The BCCI business model (Part 1)
So you thought auctioning began with the IPL? The biggest and most important of them was kept from the media. Months before the IPL, there was :-
The Great Auction
The BCCI President stood on the dais and beamed heartily at everyone. He had a reason to be smiling. This was going to be an event like no other. If all went well, he could convert his entire black money to white. The stage was set. All the selectors were present. All the regular players were present. The bhelpuriwala was present. And for some strange reason, even Kapil Dev was present. He cleared his throat majestically and spoke:-
"Friends, today we stand here together. Outside we might be enemies but inside lets present an united front. After all, the media is not here for one of our "stunts" to distract attention from poor performances. As you all are well aware, BCCI is a non-profit making organisation built solely for the betterment of Indian cricket. So along the same lines, we have decided to privatise and diversify some of our functions"
The hall breaks up in spontaneous applause, mostly because those dozing had caught the word 'profit' and missed the 'non'.
He beamed at the audience and put his hands up like a saint blessing a pregnant woman.
“Before we begin, we would be rewarding some of our stalwart players who have contributed heavily to the teams win over a period of time. These are the real gems of India, the ones who have always been for us, the ones who have contributed heavily to our success."
Everyone looks at the senior trio. Ganguly smiles at everyone. Dravid looks defensive. Sachin has the been there, done that look.
"So the winner of the life time achievement award goes to", he pauses. Sachin gets up with a bored look while those next to him pat him on the back
"Yuvraj Singh for his six sixes in the 20/20 World cup." There is silence for a while and then scattered applause. Sachin freezes in a half-crouching position. Yuvraj strides to the podium, pausing only to wink at the cleaning lady who was peeking from behind the curtain.
“Seeing the performances of UV in tests in Australia”, continued the President, “I think you will all agree that UV has reached his peak in the 20/20 WC and its not fair to expect more from him. Since he has already achieved his life time potential, we honor him with this award”. He waited for the applause to die now.
“Now a special mention. Dhoni is currently the top favorite of sponsors. Sachin, kya ho gaya bhai?. Pahli baar peeche ho gaye? Dravid, Ganguly, sharam nahi aati kal ke bacche se peeche ho tum. Buck up if you still want your place in the team. But don’t ask for ODI spot before you can get more sponsors. Ok, let the auctioning begin.
Below is the transcript of the auction item and winners
Position 1 :- “We have only one slot for this. A player who can be abusive and gets under other player’s skin. Occasional hidden racism and over the top gestures can be used. Let me outline the benefits which the winner of this category will have :-
1) Will always remain in the media, either as a villain or as a hero. You will have the nation either praising you as God’s own gift or burning your effigies. Publicity equals more sponsors
2) A personal guarantee that he will be carried in the team despite average/below average performances. No selector will drop him and since he will be in news all the time, media and fans will love him
3) We guarantee the best lawyers money can buy and enough influence to prevent the player getting any serious punishments from ICC. However, we encourage warnings and match fee cuts as this will only strengthen the bad boy image. Any match fee thus lost will be repaid thrice by BCCI
Note :- Any physical violence such as slapping fellow/opposition players will null clause 3.
Winner – Harbhajan Singh for US 2.5 million dollar
Position 2 :- One slot. A clown who keeps players entertained by his antics more than performances. Over the top celebrations, making monkey faces, dancing, you name it, he can do it. Benefits of the position
1) Media attention. Kids love a clown.
2) A chance to be labeled an “aggressive” player even though the performance may not reflect it
Note :- Bowlers preferred. South Indians will be given preferences
Winner : Sreesanth, USD 3 million
Position 3:- All-rounder . One slot. A player who stands out neither in batting or bowling but is guaranteed a place in the team. Benefits:-
1) If batting does not stand up to the mark, we stress on the bowling aspect and vice versa
2) Will be carried in the team for the ‘balance’
3) Can be compared to great players like Wasim or Kapil Dev
Winner : Pathan - USD 2 million
Position 4 : Senior players. 3 Slots. “Experienced” guys who can be in the team for reasons other than cricket such as :- providing guidance, counseling, “presence” to the team. Benefits are
1) Guaranteed place in the team despite average performances
2) First preference in choosing hotel rooms, seats on team buses and net practice
3) Involvement in media debates about junior senior debates which takes attention off performances
Note :- Conditions can/will be changed, contract may be terminated with changes in captain/coach
Winners :- Sachin, Dravid, Ganguly, USD 10 million each
Tests only :- Laxman, USD 5 million
Invalid bid : Yuvraj Singh for being too new to be considered a senior despite bidding the highest (USD 100 million)
Position 5: Captaincy. This time in the interest of Indian cricket we have split it in two so that we could have two winners! One for test and one for ODIs. Have to take both blame and praise. Either way, you are always in the media. Benefits are:-
1) 10 extra minutes in the spotlight while tossing the coin
2) Only person from the team who can give media interviews. We will ensure this by putting a gag on other players
3) Ability to change the coach at any time you want
Winner :- Tests – Kumble USD 5 million
ODIs :- Dhoni USD 10 million
Ok, now for one of our most important profit making ventures. As you are all aware, we are planning for an Indian league. What you will not be aware though is that Mr. Modi here has come up with a brilliant plan which will ensure that we have no competition from people stealing our ideas and at the same time will increase our profit. For that reason we will plan a rebel league of our own. The league will be called Indian Cricket League. Consider the benifts of such a league :-
1) The league will be a secret money making organization. We will rake in moolah without paying taxes
2) We are going to ban and villanize the league. Though the league will still make money, no one else will dare make a rebel league
3) Lots of media attention of the war between the two leagues
4) Players who might be a threat for India can be bought for huge sums in this league and then we will make sure their respective boards ban them.
Winner – Kapil Dev USD 10 million
Note: Kapil has been instructed to give an interview at least once a week deriding BCCI and its decision to ban ICL players. Should always state that the league is to help upcoming players and they should be unbanned. He has also promised to wear the same old suit and have a sorry face without breaking into actual tears, so that it shows how much BCCI has been persecuting him and ICL. Also he has to avoid all official contacts with BCCI officials and should be well disguised in all IPL parties. In return apart from his ICL salary, he will be provided a cut of the IPL pie too.
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